antiassasinguy

Twenty Catches

Sun, 07 May 2006 07:29:57 GMT

Don't own Naruto; here's my fic.

Twenty Catches on the Love Lives of the Naruto Characters

1

Out of the Twelve Rookies and Gaara’s team, the first one to lose his virginity is not the lazy Shikamaru, the obnoxious Kiba, or even the stoic Neji. It is Rock Lee, and he does so on one of his solo Chuunin missions, a C-rank escort of a merchant, to Tea Country. When they later rest in an inn, Lee spies an attractive redhead and proceeds to hit on her; successfully. He does not remember what happen next, only hearing his own cries of pleasure and her skin against his.

The next morning he wakes up she says it was one of the best sessions she’s ever had, and Lee chalks it up to Gai’s youthful teachings. Surprisingly, it was the green spandex and bowl cut that caught the interest of the redhead.

2

At the average age of 26, the Rookie Twelve Jounin Senseis are still virgins that chickened out of chances to get their sessions.

Kakashi could have had his lost when he went on the ill-fated Snow Country mission when he was sixteen, when one of the palace maidens appeared nude in his room, claiming to have “fallen in love” with him at first sight. Kakashi, the ever-serious ANBU then, proceeded to decline and the woman exited his room, crying. Kakashi regards that as one of the hardest decisions to make; after all, she was attractive.

Gai’s experience was much more comedic; he lost a bet with Morino Ibiki and was made to enter a brothel at the age of fifteen; the women there were all attractive, and three rather well-built women came pressing up to him instantly, and that was when Gai snapped and announced his “Flames of Youth”; it was a turn-off, and Gai got out with his little man disappointed but his resolve in overdrive.

Asuma got drunk one night at the young age of fourteen, drinking his uncle’s rather good brand of sake, and ended up in the arms of Suzume, the woman who was later going to be the teacher to all the inspiring kunoichi of Konoha. He ends up in his arms and kisses her full on the mouth; she slaps him at first, and still drunk, he keeps hitting on her until they arrive at his house… and end up in his room… and he suddenly ends up sober and stutters and blushes, until Suzume punches him out the window.

Kurenai is the only one out of all of them that has not been drawn into an awkward situation or sexually compromising one, not because she missed her chances to get any, but because she is a woman with principle and commitment; she does not enjoy the idea of one night stands, nor is she comfortable with the idea of open sex, choosing to wait until she was married.

Ironically, Kurenai is the first one among them to do it.

3

Baki, the Kazekage Gaara’s former sensei, as well as his siblings, is known for being a true “ladies’ man” in his village of Sunagakure; to date he has had seventy-two successful dates, and has had his fair share of breast and body twenty-one times, more than any other male in Sunagakure. Kankuro asks him how he does it, and Baki says it’s all on how you treat the woman in and out of bed. Ironically, despite getting laid a lot, most of the women are left unsatisfied in the bed more than out of it.

Gaara does not really care very much about anything Baki says to him when he asks for tips: the ones about the bed are always wrong.

4

Out of the girls in the Rookie Nine, Gai’s team and the Sand Team, the boys have decided unanimously who is what.

Hinata is “Most Likely to Exceed Tsunade in Breast Size”; Sakura is “Most Likely to have figure as enticing as Kurenai’s”; Tenten is “The Prettiest Face among them”; Temari gets the cake for “Best in Bed”, and Ino is said to have the “Most Gorgeous Hair”.

When the girls find out, they are appalled, and every single one of the boys gets beaten up, aside from Gaara (He’s the Kazekagefor goodness sake; and the sand armour was a pretty intimidating opponent), Neji (Did not really participate, just put in a vote for Sakura) and Naruto (He did not really participate either).
5

Out of the males amongst Naruto’s friends, the only one known to fully understand the human female’s mind at the age of fifteen is none other than Hyuuga Neji, after all, he helps Hinata pick out her dresses when he is told to go accompany her as she shops, spars with Jyuuken quite often with Hanabi and listens to Tenten ramble on and on about life being dull and uneventful for her.

Neji also finds out the inevitable truth: the women truly are the dominant sex.

6

Preferences vary among the Rookie Twelve.

In Kakashi’s team, Uchiha Sasuke likes younger women with short hair, and have a sweet front; Uzumaki Naruto likes dark-haired older women with a sweet figure and equally sweet demeanour; Haruno Sakura likes the tall, dark and handsome strereotype, not really caring, and adds mysterious to the fold.

In Asuma’s team, Nara Shikamaru will take any woman that comes his way, as long as they live up to his expectations as housewife and mother; Chouji likes a woman who can cook good meals and have feisty demeanours and Yamanaka Ino, the most simplistic among them, likes Hatake Kakashi.

On Kurenai’s squad, Hyuuga Hinata likes to be, ironically, the dominant side of a relationship; she likes younger men and prefers them to be blonde; Inuzuka Kiba likes dark-haired younger women, and prefers them to be sweet and cute in attitude and Aburame Shino has a thing for blonde women.

Gai’s team is probably the simplest; Tenten is like Sakura, but she prefers the man to be an actual person instead of an “ice cube”, Lee likes energetic women and looks more at their behind more than anything while Hyuuga Neji likes women with an actual grace to them so that they would be compatible with himself.

7

Haruno Sakura actually does have a crush on her Jounin sensei Hatake Kakashi; it starts when his face is revealed for around three seconds, and she is instantly hooked. That also marks the beginning of another InoSaku feud, this time over the love of Hatake Kakashi. All Naruto does at this is laughs along with Chouji while Shikamaru has no comment about it and Sasuke is feeling a twinge of jealousy now that the attention is not so much centered on him anymore.

8

Orochimaru betrays Konoha for a reason much more delicate than revenge; Konoha killed the woman that he was in love with; a young woman named Mitarashi Megumi, who is Mitarashi Anko’s aunt. She was falsely accused of feeding information to Iwagakure no Sato, and was executed; she was never proven to be guilty. Sarutobi had to hold him back from attempting a rescue attempt.

It is later revealed that there was no such information leak, and all the Mitarashi family gets is a “sorry”.

The ones to blame for Orochimaru’s madness are the ones that were too blinded with their false sense of justice.

Orochimaru still dreams of Megumi, but now he is a shadow of his former self, and does not know her. Deep inside Orochimaru, he wonders who she is, and he does not know why he cries in the middle of the night.

9

Iruka, despite speculation on his preferences, is in fact, the most popular male with the ladies. He does not stare at their chest as they talk, nor does he try to hit on them for the sake of getting his freak on; he respects them as fellow shinobi and gives his full attention to them when he is talking to any one of them.

Ebisu does not like Iruka very much because of his popularity, and Hatake Kakashi is the most jealous among the males; the reason that Iruka did not turn Jounin was because he faced off with Hatake Kakashi in a fight in the Exams, and lost miserably. That is why ther is animosity between the two men when they meet, as well as the feel of static electricity crackling in the air between them.

Iruka, as a side note, has had no girlfriends before.

10

Inuzuka Kiba and Uzumaki Naruto got together one night for dinner at Ichiraku to discuss women, and the conversation ended on a high note. Naruto got to know Kiba liked petite women, while the Inuzuka found out that Naruto liked the tall ones. They were different in preferences, it seemed, but they liked dark-haired women. Then, Uchiha Sasuke comes barging in and orders his vegetarian ramen and that night, he bonds more with Kiba than anything; for two reasons: one, they both like the same type of girls, and two, Kiba is so much like a more exaggerated Naruto and Sasuke is like a more arrogant Shino.

11

Kabuto is bisexual; he has a small crush on Hatake Kakashi and a rather large preference for loud and boisterous women like Tayuya. In fact, she is who he loses his virginity to, and Orochimaru punished Kabuto the next day for casing the whole hideout to stay up with the moans and the groans and curses by Tayuya by making him work all day long in the laboratory. He secretly wonders what other things Orochimaru can do with his tongue.

When Orochimaru finds out, he figures that he does not know what do do or say, and just keeps to his role as evil traitor, slipping Sasuke a small warning before the traitor turns in for the night when he first arrives in Sound HQ.

He never did get the warning, and when he returns to Konoha, finds himself disgusted.

12

When Sasuke goes on his first date, it is with none other than Hyuuga Hinata, thanks to a lot of persuasion on Uzumaki Naruto’s part. The date goes well; they talk, they walk aroung in the night, but when they finally reach the restaurant, several eventful things happen, not that they were planned to happen, anyway.

One; Shino, who was there with his parents for dinner, accidentally lets loose the kikai bugs, who are excited upon contact with someone’s perfume. The restaurant erupts into panic as bugs are visible in their meals.

Two; The local enforcement comes in, and, to add a comedic note, Sasuke discovers that this particular bunch of reinforcements have a fear of bugs. The end up using Doton Jutsus and destroy the restaurant, although it does not collapse until much later.

Three; Kiba arrives on the scene, followed by Kankurou, who is visiting, and they watch as an idiot Genin slides by on a bar of soap on the street and crashes into the restaurant window and lands onto Sasuke and Hinata’s table.

Four, and finally, Sasuke looks on as he spies a man sing his head off as though he is drunk. He is.

They return home, and it has been an eventful night. Sasuke gets a good night kiss and all becomes well again, at least to him. Then again, whenever Sasuke gets what he wants, they always turn out alright.

14

While chasing Hatake Kakashi across the rooftops, Yamanaka Ino and Haruno Sakura bump into their first boyfriends, and the first meeting is never comfortable nor is it pleasant: Ino crashes into a stall down below courtesy of Sakura’s strength, and Kakashi’s Kage Bunshin trips Sakura into landing into a rather compromising situation with Hyuuga Neji, while Ino is helped up by Kankuro.

Neji and Sakura have a spat; she calls him a pervert and he calls her a bimbo; nothing else happens until they get together three weeks later and break up around two months after due to lack of interest.

Kankuro and Ino hit it off better, as they boths share a lot of interests, despite having different hobbies. Their relationship lasts two months and twenty-four days.

15

One day, Naruto will walk tall with confidence and go straight up to Team Eight, with that bastard smirk of his, and while Shino thinks he’s going after Hinata, he walks right past her and stops right in front of their Sensei, who is an inch taller than him. His next actions shock everyone present: he asks her out on a date.

Reactions vary: Kiba laughs his ass off, Shino’s eyebrows disappear up his hood… and Hinata? She faints dead away.

She refuses, saying he is too young for her, and the dense boy does what he does best; he doesn’t give up, and says, “I’ll pick you up at eight”. Kiba is still laughing at this stage, and Shino is still in shock, either from the Naruto’s words or his oddity in picking out a woman thirteen years his senior. He just shakes his head.

When Hinata gets up she declares Kurenai-sensei her rival and walks off, huffing and puffing.

Kurenai is tempted to band Naruto’s head through a brick wall for this.

16

Uzumaki Naruto and Gaara are the only males that share rivalries with shinobi of the classes at least ten years above them. Uzumaki Naruto shares a rivalry of love amongst Ebisu, Asuma and himself for the heart of the fair Team Eight Sensei. The females would always flock to see the three men participate in contests of poetry, skill and even, with no sense of shame, dances. But amongst the males, the only one to actually be thre to comfort her when she’s down is Naruto, and that one ups him in the competition.

Morino Ibiki and Gaara share a bitter cold rivalry for Anko. Gaara likes her and Ibiki looks at her like a boisterous little sister, and strives to protect her from the “Evil Boy who is trying to take her away”. Needless to say, Anko is touched and all, but she’s thirty for goodness sakes!

So, Ibiki being the good “Nii-san” let’s her imouto go to the “Cruel and Evil Boy”, and Kankuro and Temari laugh about it all day long.

17

The night Uzumaki Naruto loses his virginity is probably the night of envy for all the males his age: he does not remember what happens that night, the same as every single boy his age (16), and he wakes up with a raven-haired woman named Kurenai pressed against his chest, hugging him tightly yet comfortably; there is nothing Naruto can do to wipe the silly smile off his face, nor is there anything he would want to do other than be here.

When Konoha finds out, the males groan in frustration, the females don’t know what to think… and Asuma and Ebisu? Well, they just throw Naruto curses all they long nowadays.

18

Everyone has their fantasies, but Uchiha Sasuke and Hyuuga Hinata just take the cake and more. Sasuke has wild imaginations of Hyyuga Hanabi and Hyuuga Hinata doing each other in the shower, proving he is more like Kakashi than anyone else, while Hinata thinks of Sasuke and his brother. They’re both fans of hot people of the same sex making out.

Sakura, funnily, thinks that the hottest sight that her mind’s eye sees is Sasuke, Naruto and Kakashi in the nude caressing her gently in the onsen. She never actually does get to see them, but she does get to see her second boyfriend after Neji, Sai, clad in his boxers.

19

The wedding that Naruto has enjoyed the most is most likely the wedding between Chouji and Ino; it was probably the most eventful as well; which was probably why he enjoyed it so much. After they exited the temple, there was a stampede of rampaging bulls that knocked over the ceremonial carriage, and then, randomly, there was a troop of monkeys that came to wreck even more havoc.

The monkeys, after being chased away, raided the onsen, and Naruto just laughed his behind off when he heard Jiraiya’s scream from the place. Following this, there was a food fight; triggered by Uchiha Sasuke, who sat on a plank and propelled a small cake into the air and onto Sakura’s face.

Sakura hit Tenten with a small piece of pie, and Tenten sprayed sauce upon Anko, and things snowballed from there.

20

Sasuke, for all that his words are worth, thinks of a lot of things as he watches his eldest child; his daughter of sixteen years, babysits Naruto’s youngest brat, who is currently seven years of age. Sitting next to him, the Rokudaime turns to Sasuke with that bastard fox grin on his face, and says “two-thousand ryou says that your daughter falls for my son in ten years”. He agrees to the bet.

And Sasuke is left grinning twelve years later as he gives his daughter away to Naruto’s son.

Well, two thousand ryou isn’t actually that much to Sasuke; but he wondered one thing…

Did all of Naruto’s male creed prefer older women?

Sat, 06 May 2006 16:35:26 GMT

A/N: I don’t own Naruto; here comes the TsuNaru!

Twenty Truths

1) When the gambler Tsunade runs into Jiraiya and his protégé after her long years as a wanderer, there are two things she notices; a difference and a similarity between them. The difference Tsunade noticed between Naruto and and the white-haired Sannin is that, the blonde boy, despite being the Sannin’s apprentice, is stubborn because he is determined, not just for the sake of being stubborn for himself. The similarity between them, though, is that Tsunade can see in the blonde’s deep blue eyes and Jiraiya’s dark brown ones that they both literally live in battle; there is no place more home to them than the place where your life is hanging by a thread. Strangely, she views Jiraiya in higher regard in “being home in battle” than Naruto.

2) Tsunade, watching the battle between Orochimaru’s right-hand man, Kabuto, and her defender, Naruto, sees another thing that she never would have thought she would see. This moment, she notices something else in Naruto that spurs her interest in the blonde; the boy has a heart of gold; literally. Naruto barely knew her, at this stage, and was already ready to give his life up for her (And almost did). The moment she saw that power in Naruto’s drive; she knew what the outcome would be: Naruto’s win. Then, the Rasengan appears and Kabuto is down for the count. It was a magnificent blow.

3) Tsunade won’t admit it, but when Naruto was unconscious on the grassy plains she was tempted to give him a kiss right there and then, but refrains, opting to put the necklace she had placed in the bet against him around his neck as a form of both thanks and affection; putting her faith in the spiky-haired blonde. Naruto’s determination then affects her, as the Slug Summoner calls upon her most powerful creature; Katsui, and succeeding in driving off Orochimaru and Kabuto alongside Jiraiya.

4) The blonde Sannnin, even without her Genjutsu, is actually still a very beautiful woman, as Jiraiya discovers, much to his shock, after the Genjutsu that maintains her youthful appearance disappears after their battle with their one-time comrade. Her arms, however, due to the excess use of medical Jutsus over the years, however, are as weathered as an old maid’s from the elbow down. That remains her only falling point. Her features, however, are only marred by a single frown-like mark upon her face, much like Uchiha Itachi’s.

5) Naruto would never notice during his days as a Genin, but the only things that Tsunade concealed with Genjutsu are her weathered arms, and the frown-like mark upon her face, which she knew was inherited from her grandfather. Kakashi and Jiraiya, as well as, surprisingly, Maito Gai, discover this, and laugh about it, while on the inside their curiousity sparks; with the question, “How in the world does a 49 year-old hag manage to STILL look hot”; they would never find the answer, but ironically, Naruto will.

6) There is a reason Naruto calls Tsunade “Hag” every single time, and it is partly because of a bet he made with Hagane Kotetsu upon meeting the man who was once one of his Chuunin proctors during the Chuunin Exams. It said that the Hokage would touch him every time he enters the office. Even though this is painful, Naruto earns a LOT of money from the pain; he does not really mind, nor does he want the “Hag” to ever find out.

7) When Tsunade heals Sasuke and Kakashi, he feels broken-hearted with Sakura not because of the fact he says “I won’t have a chance with Sakura-chan anymore”; it is because she does not thank him or even Tsunade after the Uchiha wakes up. He was angry with Sakura then more than he would ever be with anyone else among the Rookie Nine, other than the Uchiha for his actions of treason later.

8) One day, Tsunade seats down with Naruto and they have a little heart-to-heart. Naruto feels at home with Tsunade, and he, at this point, imgines her as a housewife listening to her husband’s problems after her gets back from work. Naruto internally pukes at the statement he makes and gets out of the office without warning; TSUNADE as a housewife to the blonde loudmouth was not a good image.

9) Kakashi is called to the office for an S-rank mission, and Tsunade has a chat with him about his teaching methods. Nobody knows what happens, but it is widely known that Hatake Kakashi leaves the office feeling guiltier than someone who stole candy from a baby. Tsunade was reported to have told him off from ignoring Naruto and Sakura and focusing on Sasuke… harshly. Nobody knew what words were said, but it had something to do between the Sannin and Sandaime, and Kakashi’s team being compared to one another.

10) When Naruto leaves with the rest of the team to retrieve Sasuke, Tsunade prays for one thing, because she knows that Naruto would fail, as Jiraiya did with Orochimaru: that Naruto does not end up so broken that the pieces are too fine to put together. Her prayers are answered, and Jiraiya whisks him away for training. She then remembers it is only the second time she has prayed to God for something. The first time was when she wished prays for her little brother to come home safe; she remembers that it was his doom, and Tsunade’s belief in God is shattered altogether then.

11) Naruto had gone for his three year training trip, and the Godaime Tsunade chuckles when she overhears a pair of Jounin talk about the “Demon Boy”, instead of choosing to bashing their skulls in. She finds it funny that a “Demon” instills her faith back into this world and herself. The Slug won’t admit it then and there, but it was at that point that she figured the young lad had stolen her heart. The only person to figure this out is Shizune, and looking at Sakura, she can only manage a smile that translate into “Sorry, Kid”.

12) Naruto returns from his three year training and looks the same, despite his new height, and Tsunade likes it that way. The boyish charms always did get to her, even though she would never admit it. Sakura still has not found out of her Shishou’s secret admiring of Naruto, at this stage, and always wonders why she absently smiles when she looks at the golden sun.

13) Thanks to a joint effort by Sai and Yamato, Naruto gets a promotion: he was ANBU now, and Tsunade is nervous. The thought of Naruto spilling blood was not a pretty site, as the boy was much too… Naruto to change. Naruto experiences his first kill as an ANBU member assassinating an opium ring leader, and when the report was sent, she could see the young man changing before her eyes into another Tool. Inwardly, she curses herself for agreeing to ANBU’s taking of the boy. Naruto is later reassigned to a reinstated ANBU Captain: Hatake Kakashi.

14) One night, Naruto would return bloody, tired from patrol and killing; his face as emotionless as anything. He, lost in his mind, turns up not at his own house, but in front of Tsunade’s, who finds him standing in the rain and ushers him into her residence and out of the sky’s tears. Naruto, asks her, at this point, looking at his hands, asks if he was Kyuubi after all. Tsunade does what she does best: she slaps him unconscious into a wall.

15) Throughout the night, however, she holds him tight against herself, stroking his whiskermarks and singing a song that her mother used to whisper into her when she was sad as a child: “Alone”. Naruto dreams of Tsunade in his sleep: his angel.

16) When Naruto wakes up in Tsunade’s arms he does the one thing that comes first in mind in such a situation. He holds her back in his arms and they cradle each other in the house like a couple. When Tsunade wakes up, however, she does the one thing that comes first to her mind in a situation like this: she kisses him. Surprisingly, he kisses back, and the next moment they’re making out on the couch and Naruto’s upper ANBU armour is on the floor.

17) Twenty minutes later, Tsunade’s top joins Naruto’s armour on the floor.

18) Forty minutes and they’re both in the nude. The next moments are when Naruto loses his virginity, and the cries of the two are heard throughout Konoha; Jiraiya would never get how a pot could crack ten miles away from the source, not that he knew where it was. After the session is done, Tsunade and Naruto are so ashamed of what they’ve done that they’re silent. Naruto then wears his ANBU uniform once more, and exits without a word as Tsunade dresses herself, reminiscing on what was probably the most pleasurable experience of her life, and at the same time, the most shameful thing. He was only a boy.

19) The Jounin Exams would be taken when Naruto was 17, 2 months after his encounter with Tsunade, and he passes with flying colours. It is, at this time, Naruto makes the final push to defeat Akatsuki. He defeats them, and in a climactic ending, fights the Akatsuki Leader to a standstill atop the Hokage Tower; that is, until he finally calls upon what he has left and ends the battle, fittingly, and at the same time, ironically, with a combination of Chidori and Rasengan: a jutsu moulded into one. Surprisingly, he is still conscious, though weak, and is greeted by the cheers of Konoha, as well as a surprising bit of news: Tsunade was pregnant with his children. He faints straight away, and Jiraiya just laughs his ass off through it all while Kakashi and Sakura’s jaws lose their control function and drop.

20) When Naruto’s children ask if Naruto loved their mother, his wife, Naruto would call Tsunade to the living room and dip her in for a kiss, and a remark: “56 years old and you still taste good”. His children would mock-puke and Naruto would just grin as his wife sat in his lap around the fire. He was happy here, and would always be. He had Tsunade, and his children. And that was all she would need.

This is SO AWESOME!

Sat, 06 May 2006 15:07:11 GMT

Ah; yes! I went on a date with a woman I like a lot and I am very happy! Ya Ha~! She looks like Quistis! Man, the guys were so goddamn Jealous of me! We went out and kised and such and I have to say, older women are the hottest women you can get, especially when you're a teenager! So anyways; watched Naruto and such on the weekend. Will update soon.

Day has been great... until the weekend ended

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 14:20:47 GMT

I was on top of the world today; the birds were chirping, my computer fan was hummming and I was waking up from a dream of a threesome with Quistis Trepe and Rinoa Heartilly. And then, fourteen hours passed and now I'm on the verge of ending my weekend. Life sucks, so until later, I'll post and kill my clock for destroying my weekend...